Divorce & the Holidays

I had originally wanted to make a YouTube video about this, but I feel that the things I want to say are difficult to articulate verbally. Sometimes it's better to take the time to really hash things out by written word.

It's coming up on Christmas time. There are lights everywhere, cute storefronts, and people bustling around in their cold weather gear.
Christmastime is seen as a cozy time of year. It's time for hot chocolate, classic cartoons, and snuggling up with the people you love. Namely, your family.

I grew up in a Christian home, the oldest of four children. My father and mother got married in a church, raised their children in a church, and goodness knows we went to church every Sunday.
(I only mention the religious aspect of my life because I feel like there is a relevancy between the expectations of a religion and how that family is run.)

Every Christmas truly was a magical time. It was the time of year to celebrate the birth of a Savior, the closeness of a family, and to look forward to a new year together.

I have some beautiful memories of this time of year.
Every Christmas, my mom would buy us pajamas. We were allowed to open one of the gifts from under the tree on Christmas Eve and the pajamas were always that gift. It's funny, me and my siblings even knew that every year we would be opening up new sleepwear on the Eve, yet it was just as exciting as if it were a real surprise.

There were some Christmases when I was little that we were very poor and our gifts were humble, but I realize now that my parents must've really gone out of their way to put those things under the tree for me and my brother and sisters.
When I got into high school, my parents both had administrative jobs that paid well, and we were able to move into a bigger house out in the country. Prior to moving there, my family had moved house every few years. This house actually became a home for all of us and it's where I associate my most wonderful memories.

I remember one particular Christmas Eve in high school when, dressed in our new pajamas, blankets were laid out on the living room floor and my whole family snuggled up together in one big nest to watch Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. (The old stop motion version, which I must say is the best!)

Four years ago, things changed.

I was away at college and my parents weren't getting on as well as they had been before.
Or at least as well as I always thought they had been. The more I think about it, the more I think there were things I just hadn't seen.

Within the next year, my mom had divorced my dad and converted to Islam. I moved to Seattle in attempts to get away from all of it and to hopefully pursue some dreams of my own.

Living away from my siblings during that time proved difficult for me, though. My brother was 16, and my sisters 14 and 11. I knew they didn't have anyone to talk to about what they were going through, and they couldn't just pick up and move halfway across the country like I did.
So I moved home that year right before Christmas.

I don't remember the holidays very well that year. I think it was jumbled and my dad was very sad.
I didn't know how to handle seeing my father that sad; I don't think any kid knows how to handle things like that.
I only remember that my birthday was a bit wild (it falls on the 22 of December) and I felt jumbled inside.

Luckily, things have evened out since then, if even just a small amount.
One year we spent Christmas with my mom, and she doesn't celebrate Christmas. That was a bust.

The next year we spent the holiday with my father. He was in a new marriage and I think he was finally able to give a little more, whether it was physically or emotionally, than he had been able in the past.

This year, I'm not sure what will happen. I think my mother is starting to loosen the reins a little bit in that even though she may legally have my siblings on the Christmas holiday this year, she doesn't celebrate it. Therefore it would be a kind thing for her to allow my dad to spend that time with us.
My father is also no longer in the marriage he was in last year, his parents moved out of state, and I think it important for us to be with him on a day meant for families.

My point in writing this post is not to sob to you all. The point is, that I realize there are plenty of kids and young adults, like myself, that have divorced parents. That divorce may be fresh or you may have had two sets of parents since you were 5 years old. I don't really think the time passed makes the holiday season any easier.
I think the best thing to do is make the most out of the time you have with both sets of parents.

So, here are my tips for having Happy Holidays with divorced parents:

1) Make new traditions. This year, I suggested to my dad that we make some new traditions that involve just him and my brother and sisters. Perhaps that will involve a cookie eating contest, or making up silly Christmas carols, or vlogging a holiday game night! Gift giving is just a small part of the holidays. Memories last forever!

2) Keep it in the family. Things are complicated enough with the family you do have! If you can, suggest that you keep Christmas day festivities within your immediate family. However, if you have grandparents and cousins around, it can be a lot of fun to get all together! Keeping a day set aside for just family can be a real refresher during the holiday season.

3) Bond over shared interests. This is where I'll bring religion back in. Even if my whole family doesn't share the same religious beliefs, there are a lot of families that do! And for the non-religious, sometimes a quiet, reflective Christmas Eve service can be soothing. If even only for the unity and peace observed there.

4) Share love. I know it can be so difficult to feel loving and peaceful when it feels like everything has fallen apart. I encourage you to try and feel it anyway. Feel it and express it to your family. Remember all that everyone has done for you, and you for them, and how you always have each others' backs.

I want to send out my love to you all during this Holiday season. Please leave me a comment below if you have more suggestions for connecting with family during this time, and what you do to spend time with both of your parents.

Happy Holidays & Much Love

Lacey